So I woke up this morning, I suppose I could already feel the depression washing over me like an old friend. I weighed myself, and I'd only lost 0.25lbs. I was 135.25lbs. I suppose that was probably what really put me in this mood in the first place. I forced down a bowl of porridge, I've not gone to the toilet in about a week, and it's making my tummy look really bloated. Everytime I have to look at my stomach, it's sticking out so much more then usual, but I've lost weight.

I spent a quiet day at work, though a busy one. I barely got to sit down for 5 minutes, but managed to get all the statements filed away. I found out I cost the company £22. I put a load of second class post into a first class post-bag as the postman had been stealing our second class ones, but they'd taken them to be first class, and charged us for underpaying. I owned up to it, because it was my fault. Everyone spent the rest of the day treating me like a complete idiot. I hate that they treat me like a child there, just because I'm the youngest. I'm a damn sight smarter then a lot of the people there. Just because I've got blonde hair and I dont say a lot, doesnt mean I'm a complete air-head.

I got home and my mum had a huge go at me as soon as I walked through the door. She started going on about the fact that keeping my hamster, scoop, in the kitchen is really unhygenic and if I cant have him in my room, then I need to give him away. I almost cried. That hamster means the world to me. I never play with him because he bites and is a bit tempremental, but I talk to him and feed him treats. He wont fit in my room anymore since my mum put loads of stuff in here. There's barely room for me to fit in here, nevermind him aswell. She then made me a vegan cheese & tomato sandwich and an icepop. She made me eat it with the family, because apparently I never do.

I then came upstairs to find my computer had completely cocked up. I spent about an hour trying to get my internet USB connecter to work. After about an hour of searching for the damn disk, I bent my nail completely back and it's not stopped hurting since. I dont know what I've done to it. I must've bruised the skin underneath, but that hurt so much I cried.

I ordered a new phone on contract though. I was really excited at first, but now I'm dreading it. I only have £122 left for the month. With the £35 for the first month's bill taken out of that and the £30 I need to pay back my mum's friend I only have £57. I'll probably buy at least 1g this weekend, so that'll be £37 for the rest of the month. Agh. I hate being an addict.

Now just the ED depression is sitting over my head, haunting me. I can barley think about anything else. I'm on 24/7 posting, and just... I'm so suspicious of half the girls on there. I'm sure they all think that it's just an easy way to loose weight. It's not to me. It's just the fear of food, the want to control, the fact that I just want to get over all the stuff in the past, get back at those who hurt me. It's a way to deal with my problems. Yeah it's about the weight too, but that's not the only reason, that's not even the main reason. I wish I could be that 190lb girl with the confidence to hold her head high, instead of the 135lb girl who cant even look her BEST friends in the eye.

I suppose I better make a post right? I suppose here will end up being my life's story.

I woke up this morning and weighed myself as usual. The scale told me I was 135.5lbs, 2.75lbs down from yesterday. I'm glad I kept my control, but the fact I had to look down of my disgusting tummy and thighs grossed me out enough to know that those 2.75lbs just werent enough, but is it ever enough?

I was harrassed by about a million wasps this morning during my first ciggy, which pissed me off to no end. I'm absolutely terrified of the things. So I'm running around my garden, screaming and flailing my arms in the air, my dogs running around infront of me, thinking it's a game, and the bloke who just moved in next door is outside in his garden. I'm sure I heard him chuckling to himself when I finally gave up with trying to smoke in peace and went inside.

There's this girl at work, and I swear she wants to be me. She's just had platinum streaks put in her hair, just like I did. Her hairstyle is freakishly similar to mine, except without the fringe, and she keeps telling me she wishes she had my body. She keeps stealing my jobs too. I'm supposed to be the office assistant. One of my jobs is to open the post in the morning, and what's she been doing these past few days? Opening post. Another one of my jobs is to cover reception, and her and a bloke in my office keep taking turns in it instead. I'm supposed to be there. I then over heard her and my boss talking about how I need to learn some communication skills because I'm too shy and dont pick up the phones! AGH.. if I was on reception I would do! She then has a go at me for not being organised enough. I am organised, but my desk is just untidy. So she brings in loads of trays for my desk and makes me waste a whole hour making lables and folders etc to organise my work, when I had a pile of statements taller then I am(I'm not really exaggerating either), to file. This is the same girl who goes on and on about how she has to go through so much just because she's 20 and has a mortgage. She knows nothing about hardship, obviously.

I wish mine and my bloke's wedding was tomorrow, instead of having to wait 3 years. I miss him so much right now, and the worst thing is that, after this weekend, until the holiday season starts, I'm not allowed to see him, because he'll be working weekends. 4 weeks without the man I love?!

I had no cravings for K today, until my mum forced me to eat a couple of veggie sausage rolls because she says she knows I didnt eat anything at work(How can she have known?!). I ate them for her, like a good little girl, and she went off downstairs. I sat and stared at the crumbs that lined my desk in complete agony, and found myself racking them up into a line, wishing to god I could just sniff them all up. It's not fair. I only got paid last week, £650. £350 went to my parents, and the rest, except for £60, went on ketamine, yet  I still want more. I just wish this weekend would hurry up and get here, and I can blow the last, minescule ammount of money on it.

I'm so tired today, I can barely bring myself to do a workout. I might just call it a night and get into bed, watch some tv and read a magazine, or perhaps write a little something? I dont know.